“Good fences make good neighbors”

Turns out that’s a phrase from an interesting, longish poem by Robert Frost. It kind of outlines that people benefit from having boundaries between them but also that they each may want a different amount of boundaries. Like deciding how much you “tell people about your business” kind of thing.

Frost’s neighbor, in the poem, and probably in real life, seemed to want to keep the wall of rocks between their properties, that they repaired together every Spring. On the other hand, Frost seemed not to care that much. But then Frost is the one who reached out to his neighbor every year to repair the wall. So, who really wanted the wall more???

 AND every year, while they both repair their sides, they do the activity together, talking across the wall and agreeing on whether they’ve found a good stone to keep the wall in place in that section.

Are we like Frost and his neighbor? We all need boundaries for sure. In some cultures, boundaries are stronger and different than in other cultures. But we all have a need for some kind of “personal business” where it’s private to us. When we’re with someone who stands too close or speaks too loudly, we’re really aware of that.

I’m often talking to people about the need to “keep in our own swim lanes” but why do some people need stronger boundaries than others? Are they worried that without stronger boundaries they’ll be hurt or confused – wounded somehow or that they can’t protect themselves from that???

Boundaries do keep us feeling more secure. When we know them, we have an idea we know what to expect and what we’ll need to cope with.

How do we create them, how do we maintain them – cooperatively like Frost and his neighbor? Or in a defensive fight to protect our own? What do you think?